This is fact, not fiction

I really shouldn't be allowed so much caffeine in one day. I was pretty tired when I got up, so I had three cups of tea before work, a large coffee in the morning, and another coffee with my lunch. Around four p.m., I said, "I either need a lot more or a lot less coffee."

Around 4:05 it became clear that the answer was that I'd had entirely too much pep poured into me.

When some people get too much coffee, they become jittery or irritable. I become manic and kind of mean and should not be allowed to interact with decent human beings.



You see the nonsense I spout? Ridiculous.

Poor Lucas.


. . .

So I went to the doctor yesterday and got all the great stuff that a doctor's visit entails. Because it was a new doctor, I of course got to fill out the interminably long questionnaire so they know what's (not) wrong with you right off the bat. I always feel like such a boring person filling them out.

Do you have unusual pain? no. How about a goiter? no. Any crazy bitches in your family? no. Weird lumps? no. How about a cough? no. A sniffle? no. Anything? no.

Of course, the fun part is when you get down to the coochie questions, which included:

• Do you think you have a vaginal infection?
• Do you think you have a vaginal odor?
• Do you have excessive vaginal discharge?

Emphasis is mine. Because you know, the question itself implies that you are just being ridiculous if you say yes. Excessive vaginal discharge, on the other hand, is a strictly yes/no question, no think about it.

• If YES what color is the discharge?

For the record (not that it's any of your business), my answers were all no.

Then there comes the section entitled SAFETY. See if you can figure out what the latter two questions have to do with the first two:

• Do you feel safe in your current living situation?
• Have you ever been physically, sexually, or verbally abused?
• Is there a smoke detector in your home?
• Do you wear a bicycle helmet while riding?

I finally had some questions to answer yes to. When the doctor came in, she additionally asked me questions about if there were guns in the house, if children visited me, and if I loved my parents. It was a slight departure from the usual.

In other oddness, based upon all the information I gave her, my doctor announced that clinically, I was really, truly, not now nor have ever been a slut. In fact, I'm pretty sure she was about to shove me out the door and tell me to come back when I had a few strange men under my belt.

It was like I was wasting her time with my boring medical and pedestrian sexual history.